Anger & Aggression
Understanding Anger
Anger is like any other feeling - it’s never a problem. Anger helps us have better relationships (with ourselves, and others). When we’ve been devalued, dismissed, or dehumanised, our healthy anger helps us assert ourselves. However, because it’s often conflated with aggression - most of us have been taught that anger is something to avoid—or at least suppress. But without healthy anger, how are you meant to fight for yourself?
At Co-Creating Change in St Kilda, we often work with people who feel overwhelmed by frustration or anxiety without knowing why. Using ISTDP (Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy), we work with emotions like anger in a very specific and compassionate way. Here's what that can look like…
Anger + Anxiety = Aggression
Anger is a feeling, whilst aggression is a behaviour. The feeling of anger is protective. It says: ‘something’s not right here’. It draws a boundary. It reaffirms your value. So how does this healthy response (anger) turn in to a destructive one (aggression)? The answer is anxiety…
Many of us learned early on in life, that feeling anger may compromise our relationships (a misconception). Our body therefore sends us a ‘warning signal’ of anxiety - i.e. we are having a feeling we don’t want to have.
The problem is, when the physical feeling of anger gets us too anxious, we want to get the anger out of our body as quickly as possible - so we may say and do things that we later regret (i.e. act out aggressively).
So the idea of an ‘anger problem’ is actually a misnomer. Anger is never a problem, anger with unregulated anxiety is what turns a healthy feeling of anger, into a destructive response like aggression. So how does ISTDP help this anger anxiety problem?
Healthy Anger: A Signal of Self-Respect
In its healthy form, anger is protective. It says: something’s not right here. It draws a boundary. It reaffirms your value. When people have devalued, dismissed, or dehumanised us, anger helps us understand.
But many of us learned to disconnect from anger—especially if it wasn’t safe to express it growing up. In therapy, we help people safely reconnect with their anger, not to lash out—but to stand up for themselves internally.
Anger is a feeling, whilst aggression is a behaviour. The feeling of anger is protective. It says: ‘something’s not right here’. It draws a boundary. It reaffirms your value. So how does this healthy response (anger) turn in to a destructive one (aggression)? The answer is anxiety…
Is Anxiety Covering Up Your Anger?
In ISTDP, we look at how your nervous system responds when you get close to a feeling that was once threatening to express, and therefore now causes anxiety.
Your body might react before your mind even knows what's happening.
We guide you to notice and regulate these physical reactions—tight chest, nausea, racing heart. Over time, this increases your capacity to feel more anger with less anxiety, so that instead of anger triggering anxiety and (therefore) aggression, you are able to use your healthy anger for assertion, or to protect yourself.
Therapy Helps You Respond—Not React
When you can fully feel your anger—without needing to act it out or turn it inward—you gain choice. You’re no longer reacting automatically. You’re responding consciously.
That might look like saying “no” more clearly. Or realizing you’re angry not just about today’s meeting, but about years of not being heard.
This is what ISTDP aims for: not just symptom relief, but freedom to feel what’s true and act in line with it.
Final Thoughts: Anger as Insight
Anger isn’t the enemy. It’s a signal—often of something important, even sacred, that hasn’t been honored.
At the Co-Creating Change, we help you uncover and work through the emotional blocks that keep anger stuck, so it becomes a source of clarity, not chaos.
Interested in Exploring This with a Therapist?
At Co-Creating Change, we offer evidence-based therapy in St Kilda that helps you move toward emotional clarity and freedom. Get in touch to book a session or learn more.